A Case of Mistaken Identity by Gerry Webber

I submit that the medical profession has yet to recognise the seriousness of this condition, M’Lud.

Distressed by his inability to obtain footwear from Boots, despite earlier having purchased staples from an establishment of that name, my client entered a downward spiral that subsequently culminated in his arrest. He strenuously denies being what the Jaguar dealer called “a pedantic bastard looking for trouble”.

He accepts that his behaviour at Currys, Threshers and Oddbins was anti-social, but trusts that the court will understand his irritation at being unable to purchase indian food, agricultural equipment or unusual waste receptacles from any of the aforementioned outlets.

As the jury has heard already, my client is not without remorse or self-awareness, and he appreciates that asking “How much for yours?” was grossly offensive to the young lady in the Body Shop. Cutting open packets of food at the supermarket was equally regrettable, but as he said to the manager at the time, he didn’t want a lot, which was why he went to Lidl. You will note from the background reports submitted to the court that my client was considered at school to be borderline-dyslexic.

The accused accepts however that his altercation with staff at the outdoor clothing store was entirely unacceptable, and asks the court to show mercy. Finally, on behalf of my client, I would suggest in mitigation that the business concerned was wantonly negligent, and contributed to the problem, by failing to include an apostrophe in its trade-name, “Blacks”.