In Case She Chased Me Away by Stephen Barnaby

Hello there. I was up the town earlier this morning but I’ve had to stay in since then. I’ve had terrible diarrhoea. I’ve had to be in and out the toilet all morning. Oh, it’s been terrible. My back passage is aching. I was up the chemist this morning but I hate going in that chemist because of the way they treat me. They’re always laughing at me, or at least that’s how it seems to me. Anyway, I needed to go up to the post office but I had to come home with my diarrhoea so I couldn’t get to the post office. And that radio’s been playing rubbish all day. That Steve Wright’s Love Songs. They’re supposed to be playing love songs but all they do is play blooming awful depressing songs that upset me, that remind me of Archie. Bloody crap. I’ve been sitting here crying all morning. But I’ve had to listen to it because it’s just rubbish on all the other stations. Talk Radio were just talking about things that were upsetting me. I don’t know how they expect me to listen to that. And there’s been nothing on the television, just that Jeremy Kyle. I don’t like that Jeremy Kyle. I don’t like what they talk about in his programme. So I had to turn the sound down and put on that blooming Steve Wright’s Love Songs. Bloody rubbish.

That man on the television there’s got an awful wide head. It looks all wrong, the wrong size for his body. He’s got a skinny small body and then that big wide head. That’s terrible. I’ve never seen as wide a head as that before. That’s terrible that.

I was sneezing this morning as well. I sneezed three times when I was up the town and when I got back I sneezed four or five times. That’s the first time I’ve sneezed for ages. I’ve hardly sneezed at all since Archie died. I used to sneeze a lot while he was alive but I’ve hardly been able to since he died.

The only good thing on that radio this morning was that Anna Raeburn. I was listening to her for an hour before you came. It was about women’s bladder problems, and that was interesting to me because that’s what I get. I was listening to her from eleven o’clock to twelve o’clock. And they were talking about men getting cystitis. I never thought men got cystitis. Did you know that? And this one woman was phoning in, she said she’d never had cystitis for three years and she said what she did was she emptied her bladder before having sex and emptied her bladder again after having sex and that way she’s never had cystitis for three years. Not that that’s much use to me. I’ve never had sex, at least not since when I was young. Not much since I was in the hospital. I’d never had sex before I was in the hospital. Men were always wanting sex with me in the hospital. Oh, the things that went on that the nurses never knew about. But me and Archie never had sex, at least not after I had the baby taken away from me, because I was just out of hospital and they said I couldn’t cope. Archie was angry about that, he didn’t want the child taken away, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to bring her up, with my illness. Oh no, I could never have managed. I often wonder where she is. What? No, I wouldn’t want to meet her. It would upset me too much. I wouldn’t know what to say. I’d be feared she’d run away from me, like the rest of them. What? No, no, I’ve no idea where my family live, where my sisters are, I’ve not seen them for years. Not since my mother’s funeral. And I hadn’t seen any of them for ten years before that. I heard that my mother had died and I went along to the funeral and I asked my sisters if I could have my mother’s old dresser and two of her armchairs and some of her skirts and blouses and they chased me away and I’ve not seen them since. So I wouldn’t want to see my daughter in case she chased me away. Anyway, me and Archie never had sex after that.

Oh God, listen to me coughing. You shouldn’t let me talk so much because it gives me a sore throat, you should know that by now. Anyway that’s the news on so I’m going to turn the sound up and watch the television instead of doing all this talking. Oh, it’s all about that Jill Dando again. Remember that? It’s been all about Jill Dando again on the television the last couple of days. Why are they bringing that up again after all these years, upsetting me like that?  I used to depend on that Jill Dando being on television. She was the best of the lot of them. She used to cheer me up when she came on the television. She didn’t have an enemy in the world. Everybody liked her. It’s like they say, all the best ones die young. It’s all the bad buggers keep on living. Archie was one of the good ones, and he’s gone. There’s never been another like Archie. He was a one in a million. He was very good to me, better than anyone else. He was a hard worker, too, Archie. He did any number of jobs when he was on the road, kitchen porter, building sites. He did them all. He’d go from hotel to hotel, and they’d give him a job as kitchen porter, and he’d get his lodgings with them, and then he’d move on, back on the road, to another hotel. Aye, he was a hard worker. Hardly anyone these days is a hard worker. Out of you lot only Carol is a hard worker. She does more work for me in an hour than the rest of you put together in a week. I have her down shampooing the carpet, polishing the ornaments and the like. She’s the only one of you I ever ask to do anything, because I know she’s a hard worker, like Archie.

He had to put up with a lot from me, Archie. I was always chasing him away. Four times in all I chased him away at different times, and he always came back. There was one time I was in a temper and chased him out the house and told him never to come back, and anyway I couldn’t cope on my own, so I went to stay with a family in Gorebridge, but the father was always wanting sex with me. Anyway the daughter caught me in bed with him and that was me put out the house. And I went back to my own house, but I was awful lonely so I asked Archie back and he came back to me.

I had to go to the doctor’s the other day about my legs. Oh, they were aching. I couldn’t hardly walk. But it was Doctor Hunter I saw. I was fair glad it was Doctor Hunter. He’s a fine looking man. Even Carol thought so. She said he was a fine looking man. She was fair taken with him. Everyone thinks Doctor Hunter is good looking. But you should see his wife. Oh, what a fright. How a good looking man like Doctor Hunter finished up with a horrible looking woman like that I’ll never know. She looks like she’s deformed.

That man on the Scottish news. What a terrible speaker he is. Listen to that. That’s terrible, that. And he shouldn’t be asking him a question like that, just making the man feel even worse. That’s terrible.

I was going to go out to get my cigarettes earlier on, but I heard two men outside singing like they were drunk, so I was feared to go out. I don’t like drunken men. I’m feared of them. So I had to stay in. You see, I had to put up with that when Archie drank. He used to ask people for fights in pubs. And he used to come home and beat me. I used to be feared to say anything in case he flew into a rage.

I don’t like the programme that’s on after this. They’ve changed it from last week. I wish they hadn’t changed it. I’d just got used to that programme and all the characters and they’ve changed it. I can’t get used to that at all.

Anyway, you’d better watch your time. That’s your hour up. Aye. I’ll follow you into the hallway because that’s my back passage running again. It’s red raw. Oh, it’s agony. I’ll have to go to the toilet again. That’s me coughing again as well. I knew you shouldn’t have let me talk so much. You should know that, not to let me keep talking. My throat’s aching now, with you letting me talk like that. It’s never ached as bad as that before. That’s terrible, that.

© Stephen Barnaby 2013