Sent: 15 August 2013 00:12
Dear Dr Bernhardt – Jeff, if I may!
It was great to meet you last week on the plane. Wow! Your ideas really blew me away. I never realised there was so much resonance in the natural world until you explained neuroacoustics to me. Since getting home, I have found some dolphin noises on the web, and you’re right – they really do sound just like humans when you slow them down eight times, and just like birds when you speed them up. So, I’ve decided to take your advice about “wellbeing” and from now on, I am going to “listen to my body”. I have downloaded a “mindfulness” app to help get me in the right frame of mind, but I’m afraid the only thing I’ve heard so far is my next door neighbour swearing at the TV. I’ll let you know how I get on.
Mark (Hackett) – seat 15B
Sent: 23 August 2013 19:58
Subject: Re: Re: Hello
I’m sure you must have heard that recording of crickets which has been slowed down to sound like a choir? Well, I’ve been conducting a few experiments of my own – inspired by you, of course – and I have discovered something that will blow your great big Californian mind! If you slow whale songs down eight times and play them backwards, you’ll hear the whales talking to us. Really. I haven’t quite worked out what they’re saying yet, but I shall keep you posted. Meantime, I’ve been listening to my inner voice, and it’s telling me to get out there and do something with my life. Something big. It’s just the spur I’ve needed. One thing I’m definitely going to do is confront Jimmy Bishop (next door) about his bloody shouting if he doesn’t tone it down. I’ve started to think he may not be shouting at the TV after all. At least, I can hardly believe he was telling the presenter of the Antiques Roadshow to “Fuck off and die”!
Sent: 25 August 2013 02:17
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hello
I’m disappointed in you. Why haven’t you written? I hope you aren’t planning on stealing my ideas and writing them up for some crappy new age journal? No. Of course not. Sorry, Jeff. I shouldn’t have said that. I’ll let you in on a secret. The whales were saying something that sounded like “O baba dibble” and then I figured it out – hold onto your pony tail, Jeff – it’s “Obama, devil”!! And guess what? I’ve now found loads of recordings on the web of speeches by Obama that have been slowed down, like your dolphins, and played backwards, like my whales, and boom! The truth is revealed – by neurolinguistics!! I tell you Jeff, you’ve got to leave the States before it’s too late. Remember President Barack Obama is an anagram of “an Arab backed imposter”, which is just so obvious once you’ve seen it. All these so-called wars in the Middle East are just for show. They want to throw us off the scent. But you are a leader of men, Jeff. You’ve opened my eyes to what’s really going on in the world: the Arab-Jew-Obama resonance. This is deep stuff, Jeff. Real deep.
Mark (but call me by my seat number in future – they are monitoring the internet)
Sent: 29 August 2013 20:03
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello
It’s neuroacoustics, not neurolinguistics, and the Arabs are not Jews.
I really think you might be unwell. Can I suggest you consult a doctor?
Sent: 30 August 2013 04:26
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello
You really must be more careful. Do NOT use my real name. They are looking for me now that I have exposed the truth. Sorry about the neurolinguistics, neuroacoustics mix-up, by-the-way. It won’t happen again. As to doctors, there’s only one I need to consult, Jeff, and that’s you! My mindfulness exercises have been a big help lately, and I’ve really tuned-in to my body these days, which is such an empowering thing. And guess what? It turns out that my inner voice has a name. It’s Geoff. Different spelling, but whoa! Another cosmic resonance. Geoff – I’ll call him Geoffrey so we don’t get confused – Geoffrey has been pretty insistent recently, mainly insisting that I have it out with Jimmy Bishop, which I did last night after he said something truly disgusting about that Kirsty Wark on Newsnight. You won’t get that in California, I suppose. It’s a late night news review. She’s Scottish, by the way: Kirsty Wark. Educated woman. Not used to that kind of filthy language, I’m sure. Anyway, I went round and told him to shut the fuck up or else, and… Well, let’s put it this way, it’s all quiet now. Enough for today.
Yours in resonance,
Sent: 03 September 2013 18:45
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello
You really must consult a doctor. I am a PhD not a medical doctor. Also, I want you to reassure me that you haven’t hurt Mr Bishop. I am worried about you, Mark. Promise me that you will get some help.
Jeff Bernhart PhD
Sent: 03 September 2013 21:17
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello
For fuck’s sake Jeff! Do NOT use my name. What’s got into you? I’ve told you: they’re watching. Forget the dolphins. Listen to the whales. Everything is connected to everything else – including the Jews and the Arabs. You just need to listen to your body. I have been chosen, Jeff. This is my mission. I have to open the eyes of the world to the Obama conspiracy and cleanse the planet of the filth that is polluting the globe – particulates, pornography and profanity. Including that foul-mouth Jimmy Bishop. Bishop. Now there’s a name! A high priest living right next door. That’s quite a coincidence, isn’t it, Jeff? My guess is that he was placed there to keep an eye on me, and I’m starting to think you knew all along, which is why you’re so worried about him, and why you insist on using my former name. I’m right, aren’t I… Dr Bernhardt? Bernhardt. What a fool I’ve been not to see the connection before. Hiding in plain sight. That’s how you people operate, isn’t it? You and the Arab Obama, and Jimmy Bishop too. The torrent of obscenity gushed from him even when he wasn’t speaking. Even as he screamed for help. But “Vengeance is mine, saith The Lord” (Romans 12:19).
I am disappointed in you Jeff. Very disappointed. But I can see now that you were led astray by the talking dolphins, so I am making a pilgrimage to San Diego to save you from yourself. Don’t worry. I still have the business card you gave me on the plane, so I know where to find you.